Part 4- Going Back

I've been really busy dealing with some personal issues lately, there are loads of things that's going through my mind.

Anyway, I knew there were a lot of things I missed out on the previous post I made so here it goes. Let's go back to where I first met Ibo.

Like I said before, I was speaking with James at that time, and he was flirting blah blah blah. So, to show I didn't care about him at all, I spoke to other guys. (Already mentioned this loads of times.) And then, there was Ibo. He had no, I mean noooooooo knowledge on how to speak English. He always wanted to speak with me, and since I was trying to prove a point with James, I gave Ibo the chance.

I will admit the first time he opened his cam with me, I really thought he was so cute. He's got curly dark brown hair, (my hair's curly too, but this isn't about me... lol ) green eyes, and God, his smile was perfect. This just gave me more motivation to teach him English. What girl in their right mind wouldn't want to talk with a good handsome guy who tells you he likes you?

We talked about anything, everything that comes to mind. Of course, a handsome guy like that, I thought he probably had a girlfriend. So I asked him. Surprisingly, he said he didn't have any. I didn't believe this at first but he started to tear up a bit and told me about his former girlfriend that had died. I thought to myself, he probably loved her so much, and couldn't get over her. From the look on his face, he was really sad talking about his ex girlfriend. He also started talking to me about his grandfather and dad who also died only a couple of years ago. Talking about this, he started to tear up again. I can see him trying to hold back his tears. He grabbed his cigarette, and started to light it.

I thought this was probably his way of trying to relax himself, but I couldn't hide my facial reaction when I saw him light his cigarette. Then he started to ask me "Do you smoke?" I said I don't, and I didn't drink either. I thought he'd be offended, because after all, he was smoking in front of me, (on cam, he was on a net cafe) but that actually put a smile on his face. He then put down his smoke on an ashtray and started asking me more questions. In his broken English he asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I was 19, he was 21, so I understood his surprise when I said to him I didn't have any bf before. I explained to him my reasons. Being raised up in a (slightly conservative) Christian family, I had always believed not to waste my time trying to find that "someone" only to end up in heart ache over and over again. I believed that if it was time for me to be with that someone, he will come to me in God's time, and I'm just waiting for that time to arrive, and I'll know it when I feel it. ( I know it sounds really unrealistic, but I still believe that up to this day... :P I have my reasons... :P)

I wish I could put into words on what kind of reaction he had when he read what I was saying. It was like admiration, intrigue, interest, I can't explain it. Then he started to ask me more questions in his broken English.

"You never kissed anyone before?"
"No."
"You never had sex with anyone before too?"
"No."

He asked loads of more questions about me after that, and it was the first time I thought that he was genuinely interested to get to know me better. So I answered all the questions he had.

I'm the type of person that is a home-body. I don't like hanging out at bars or clubs, but I do like hanging out with my friends. I used to sing at a church choir, I don't like wearing too much make-up. I'm just a simple girl, I like simple things, and so on. I may look younger than my age, but I've always been told that I think like an adult. I don't entertain every guy that "likes" me, but I did have my crushes on some of them. I would like to think of myself as a loyal and patient friend (and soon lover). I didn't think I was ready for a relationship, so I didn't get involved in one. ( I guess you'll be knowing more of me, as I make more entries soon, I can't write everything here, so I'll just leave it here for now.)

"Basically, I'm pretty much a boring person."

He started to laugh when I said this words. He then suddenly put out his cigarette on his ashtray, and told me I'm not boring at all. His smile, his eyes... I can't explain it, let's just say that he probably liked what he was hearing about me. (Which I find kind of odd, because I thought a guy like him, wouldn't be interested with a girl like me.)

He then started to talk about himself. He said he had other girls before, of course, he slept with those girls, he smoked, he drank, he enjoyed the night life etc. He was my exact opposite. He asked me then, what I thought about him. I didn't judge him. Just because we liked different things, automatically makes him a bad person. I explained that, if that was who he was, then I won't judge him for it. (But that doesn't remove the fact that I'm not into guys like him.)

The following days, he always sent me text messages, telling me he missed me, and wanted to be with me. ( I didn't really believe any of this... well not at that time.) After going to night parties he would send me text messages saying that he feels bad, that everything feels different for him now. When we spoke (James wasn't around) I noticed that he didn't smoke anymore.

"I will stop smoking and drinking for you."

In my mind, I was like, this can't be real, like seriously, I'm just a girl he spoke with online after all, then he suddenly decides to stop smoking and drinking. I told him that I was happy about it, it would be really good for his health. (At the same time, feeling kinda flattered, although I knew I shouldn't be, because I'm not really sure if this guy is for real.) He then also started saying things like, can I still like him, even if he had other girls in his life before. At that time, I was thinking, oh no, not another James. I thought he was just saying this to flirt with me. So I just told him what I knew he wanted to hear. I said I didn't mind if he had other girls before me, or if he slept with any of them. But at the same time I was thinking he was acting a bit like James that's why I didn't care. That was the truth.

A few days after that, he was already telling me that he loves me, and he wants me to be with him, and that he didn't know what I did to him, but he can't help the fact that he was "addicted" to me. I was a bit disappointed when he was saying this things, I thought it wasn't real, that he was just another James. After all, he really never saw my face yet, just pictures on my profile. So yeah, I just kept saying what he wanted to hear, and I was slowly losing my interest.

He always insisted that he wanted to see me but I didn't have cam at home, and I wasn't really sure if I wanted him to see me. What if he was saying all this sweet stuff, and the moment he sees me, he'd totally change? I didn't know why I was so concerned of what would happen after he gets to see me. After all, I shouldn't care, because I thought he wasn't serious. But I was concerned. I put it off for days, he was getting impatient and was always asking to see me, so one day, I decided to just go for it so he would stop asking me every single day. If he doesn't like me, then it shouldn't really matter.

I can't explain why I was so nervous, but I was. The moment I opened my cam, all those feelings went away. The first time he saw me, oh really, words are not enough to describe his smile on his face. His smile made me feel like, he really was into me, and that made me feel so much better. Maybe he was just glad that I'm no longer just a picture he was chatting with, but a real face he can finally talk to.

A few days after that, he put all my photos in his profile, and put labels on it like, my life, my baby, you know how it is. And all of these things really made me feel good about myself, and yes, I was starting to fall for a guy I met online.

I started talking to James again, at the same time, talking with Ibo. Mainly because I don't want to admit to myself that I am falling for a guy that I have never ever met face to face before. This isn't me at all. You could say that I was in denial, but that was my way of getting rid of what I was... "feeling." I guess he started noticing that I wasn't giving him all my attention like I did before.

So that was when he sent me his "psychopathic message."

That really turned me off. After getting to know him, I guess you can just imagine my disappointment when he said he wanted to "cut me up". The moment I realized what he said to me, I told him on a text message, that I never want to speak with him ever. I was a bit scared, but mostly just disappointed at the fact that the guy who tells me that he loves me, says he wants to kill me. After receiving my text message, he sent one back immediately.

"I'm really so sorry, I didn't mean it. It was just a joke, so I can get your attention. I just wanted to get your attention to talk to me only. " (of course, this isn't the exact way he sent me the text message, but it would sound really funny if I wrote it in broken English, right? :P)

After talking to some other Turkish friends, they told me, that it is normal (at least to some... actually to most of them) for them to talk like this in order to express jealousy. If a turkish guy is jealous, and show that he is "possessive" then it means that he is really into you. After knowing this "weird" (come on admit it, it's kinda weird really.) way of showing affection to someone you really like, I thought it would only be fair if I also put this into consideration.

A part of me wants to get rid of him. He is just another James after all. But a part of me also wanted to believe him. I didn't know why, (I didn't know a lot of things at that time, it was something that was all new to me.) but I really kinda believed him. He was right, I didn't give him the attention I used to, maybe he was in fact, just trying to get my attention. And plus, even if he wanted to "cut me up" how can he when we are miles apart?

Was I about to give him another chance?

Yes. I did. And this is where all the drama would begin.