Last Entry Here...

Hey guys, i know there must be a lot of you who read this blog, but I'm sorry to say I won't be posting here anymore. I have finally moved on, and there's no point looking back in the past. But it was definitely a learning experience for me. I do have a new boyfriend now, he is great. Although we are having some problems, like everyone else, we try to fix it as much as possible. Anyway you can go check out my newblog, it would be really awesome. You can get glimpses of everything and anything under the sun about my life, and who knows, about my boyfriend too... :p so please check out "Free Lessons from a Psycho Chick" be a stalker and stalk me... :P

Part 5: "Benimle Evlenirmisin?"

I think I may have made a bad impression about Ibo. (FYI, Ibo isn't really his name. It isn't Ibrahim either. Ibo is a nickname his mom and closest friends used to call him. I'm tempted, at times, to write down his real name here, but for his sake, and for the sake of the people involved, I thought it best not to.)

Drama, cutting me up and stuff... yes, it all sounds kinda bad really, but knowing him at the time, he wasn't that bad at all. I did love him for a reason, but we haven't reached that part of the story yet. So let's just pace ourselves before we make any conclusions. :P After all, I'm still trying to find answers on what happened to us, to me. Let's just wait for the story to unfold. :P

I don't really know how I can start this part of my story, but here goes...

A month had already passed since we began talking. We already had our routine. I would be online at around 3 pm at my time, and he would be online around, 12:00, Turkish time. He will go to the internet cafe, and I went online at home, and whenever he says he misses me and wanted to see me, I would go to the internet cafe as well since I didn't have a webcam at home back then. ( My dad wouldn't let me buy one. That's another story... :P) Our conversations were interrupted for a few minutes if he had to go to the WC, or if he had to go out and buy himself lunch and get back in front of the PC and watch him eat in front of me. I knew he was only watching me because he was making sure that I was watching him only as well, and we'd both smile and laugh at each other even for this brief moment. If he had work in the restaurant, he would send me a text message that he couldn't come. Apparently, I wasn't allowed to be online too, if he was not. So I wasn't online if he wasn't. (sometimes... :P) There were times that even if we had spoken during the day, he would be online again at night, and would send me a text message to come. We spent almost all day and night talking to each other (6 hours tops sometimes... :P) I spent a lot of money for credit on my phone. We often text each other, call was kinda hard because his English wasn't the best at the time. But his English was definitely improving. He wasn't using the dictionary as often as he did before, which meant he definitely was learning, and that made it easier for me, since I didn't have to use an online Turkish translation thingy to understand what he was saying. His English still wasn't the best, and my friends who talked with him still had a hard time understanding him. But I guess, I was so used to talking to him, that even if others didn't understand him, I did.

The first person in my family that he spoke with was my aunt. And then after that, my friends, my cousins, my brothers, and finally, my mom. That was a night to remember. I can see it in his eyes, his face was turning red, he would wipe his forehead, run his hand around his neck.

"Are you nervous?"
He had this awkward smile and answered "Yes."

I didn't think it was such a big deal. It's not like they're meeting each other face to face or something. But the moment he admitted he was nervous, I started to think, what is this guy really thinking? or even feeling for me? Yes, we were kinda in a relationship... sort of. But I never really thought that he would be this serious. Is he really? I really didn't know. I wasn't so sure. Until my mom started to talk with him.

Things started out lightly, until the questions started flying.

"What do you like about my daughter?"

He's face was turning really red, and started to sweat a lot. (But then again, it was hot in Turkey... :P Yes, I know, I'm trying to find excuses, but really what do you think? )

"She's very intelligent. She's sweet, she's kind, she's a very good person, and I can see she has a pure heart. I love her."

I don't know where he's getting all this. Maybe he's saying it because it's the right answer? Maybe he was saying it because it was really what he thinks of me. But no matter how hard I try to think of reasons he is saying these, I couldn't believe he was saying all these things to my mom. They continued to speak for a while, until it was my turn to speak with him. As soon as my mom stood up, and I was about to sit down, I realized he was still writing something to my mom, which she never got to see.

"I love your daughter, and I want to marry her."

My heart started to raise. Oh my God, it was pounding so fast, This never happened to me before. I didn't know why I was the one sweating now, and I shouldn't even be sweating because it was damn cold that night. But I was. So many thoughts were rushing through my mind. Should I show this to my mom? After all the message was directed to her.

I started typing, and told him that it was me he was speaking with now. He then smiled that gorgeous perfect smile of his and asked me.

"What did your mom say? I really love you, will you marry me?"

How was I suppose to answer this? Am I supposed to answer yes? Was it the right time to say yes? Do I really want to say yes? What I knew is that I didn't want to say NO either. Those few seconds felt like hours, I guess he felt the same way, waiting for my answer. My mom was walking closer towards me, and I'm not sure if I want her to see what he wrote, or what I was about to say.

"Yes."

and I closed our conversation box. His cam closed at the same time. I wasn't sure if he knew what I was thinking, or feeling, or what was happening at that moment.

"What happened? Why did you close my cam?"
"My mom told me it's getting late, and I have to go to bed."
"Ok. Sweet dreams bebeğim, I love you."
"I love you too. Bye."

My mom needed to use our PC, so I finally closed my msn and went to bed. After all, that was what I said to Ibo. Lying in my bed, I was trying to replay everything in my mind, every word of that conversation that we had, and what he was supposed to say to my mom. Was that the reason why he looked so nervous? Did he really mean what he said? Should I tell this to my mom? A part of me wanted to, but then thinking things over, I was only 19, and he 21, I sorta knew how my mom would probably react.

What I kept on thinking about was my answer. I said yes. There's no explanation or excuse for it. I said yes. I said yes, and ended our conversation. What could he be thinking? Does he know that my mom never saw what he wrote? or what I said?
I said yes and ended our conversation. Doesn't he feel suspicious how I ended our conversation that night? I have so many questions in my mind, but somehow I feel relieved. I felt good about my answer, even though I wasn't so sure why I said it. This feeling, was so... different. Really different.

I fell asleep. I woke up the next day feeling really.... hmmmm... really really good. (Good is an understatement but how can I define what I was feeling inside with one simple word? ) But somehow, all throughout the day I guess I was still thinking if HE was thinking about how our conversation finished that night. I said yes, and said goodbye. There were a lot of things in my mind, I could only imagine what was going through his mind. It was mid-afternoon, and his text message answered that question for me.

He sent me a text message, only this time he wrote in Turkish.
May 12, 2007. I would never forget that day...

"Benimle evlenirmisin?"

Part 4- Going Back

I've been really busy dealing with some personal issues lately, there are loads of things that's going through my mind.

Anyway, I knew there were a lot of things I missed out on the previous post I made so here it goes. Let's go back to where I first met Ibo.

Like I said before, I was speaking with James at that time, and he was flirting blah blah blah. So, to show I didn't care about him at all, I spoke to other guys. (Already mentioned this loads of times.) And then, there was Ibo. He had no, I mean noooooooo knowledge on how to speak English. He always wanted to speak with me, and since I was trying to prove a point with James, I gave Ibo the chance.

I will admit the first time he opened his cam with me, I really thought he was so cute. He's got curly dark brown hair, (my hair's curly too, but this isn't about me... lol ) green eyes, and God, his smile was perfect. This just gave me more motivation to teach him English. What girl in their right mind wouldn't want to talk with a good handsome guy who tells you he likes you?

We talked about anything, everything that comes to mind. Of course, a handsome guy like that, I thought he probably had a girlfriend. So I asked him. Surprisingly, he said he didn't have any. I didn't believe this at first but he started to tear up a bit and told me about his former girlfriend that had died. I thought to myself, he probably loved her so much, and couldn't get over her. From the look on his face, he was really sad talking about his ex girlfriend. He also started talking to me about his grandfather and dad who also died only a couple of years ago. Talking about this, he started to tear up again. I can see him trying to hold back his tears. He grabbed his cigarette, and started to light it.

I thought this was probably his way of trying to relax himself, but I couldn't hide my facial reaction when I saw him light his cigarette. Then he started to ask me "Do you smoke?" I said I don't, and I didn't drink either. I thought he'd be offended, because after all, he was smoking in front of me, (on cam, he was on a net cafe) but that actually put a smile on his face. He then put down his smoke on an ashtray and started asking me more questions. In his broken English he asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I was 19, he was 21, so I understood his surprise when I said to him I didn't have any bf before. I explained to him my reasons. Being raised up in a (slightly conservative) Christian family, I had always believed not to waste my time trying to find that "someone" only to end up in heart ache over and over again. I believed that if it was time for me to be with that someone, he will come to me in God's time, and I'm just waiting for that time to arrive, and I'll know it when I feel it. ( I know it sounds really unrealistic, but I still believe that up to this day... :P I have my reasons... :P)

I wish I could put into words on what kind of reaction he had when he read what I was saying. It was like admiration, intrigue, interest, I can't explain it. Then he started to ask me more questions in his broken English.

"You never kissed anyone before?"
"No."
"You never had sex with anyone before too?"
"No."

He asked loads of more questions about me after that, and it was the first time I thought that he was genuinely interested to get to know me better. So I answered all the questions he had.

I'm the type of person that is a home-body. I don't like hanging out at bars or clubs, but I do like hanging out with my friends. I used to sing at a church choir, I don't like wearing too much make-up. I'm just a simple girl, I like simple things, and so on. I may look younger than my age, but I've always been told that I think like an adult. I don't entertain every guy that "likes" me, but I did have my crushes on some of them. I would like to think of myself as a loyal and patient friend (and soon lover). I didn't think I was ready for a relationship, so I didn't get involved in one. ( I guess you'll be knowing more of me, as I make more entries soon, I can't write everything here, so I'll just leave it here for now.)

"Basically, I'm pretty much a boring person."

He started to laugh when I said this words. He then suddenly put out his cigarette on his ashtray, and told me I'm not boring at all. His smile, his eyes... I can't explain it, let's just say that he probably liked what he was hearing about me. (Which I find kind of odd, because I thought a guy like him, wouldn't be interested with a girl like me.)

He then started to talk about himself. He said he had other girls before, of course, he slept with those girls, he smoked, he drank, he enjoyed the night life etc. He was my exact opposite. He asked me then, what I thought about him. I didn't judge him. Just because we liked different things, automatically makes him a bad person. I explained that, if that was who he was, then I won't judge him for it. (But that doesn't remove the fact that I'm not into guys like him.)

The following days, he always sent me text messages, telling me he missed me, and wanted to be with me. ( I didn't really believe any of this... well not at that time.) After going to night parties he would send me text messages saying that he feels bad, that everything feels different for him now. When we spoke (James wasn't around) I noticed that he didn't smoke anymore.

"I will stop smoking and drinking for you."

In my mind, I was like, this can't be real, like seriously, I'm just a girl he spoke with online after all, then he suddenly decides to stop smoking and drinking. I told him that I was happy about it, it would be really good for his health. (At the same time, feeling kinda flattered, although I knew I shouldn't be, because I'm not really sure if this guy is for real.) He then also started saying things like, can I still like him, even if he had other girls in his life before. At that time, I was thinking, oh no, not another James. I thought he was just saying this to flirt with me. So I just told him what I knew he wanted to hear. I said I didn't mind if he had other girls before me, or if he slept with any of them. But at the same time I was thinking he was acting a bit like James that's why I didn't care. That was the truth.

A few days after that, he was already telling me that he loves me, and he wants me to be with him, and that he didn't know what I did to him, but he can't help the fact that he was "addicted" to me. I was a bit disappointed when he was saying this things, I thought it wasn't real, that he was just another James. After all, he really never saw my face yet, just pictures on my profile. So yeah, I just kept saying what he wanted to hear, and I was slowly losing my interest.

He always insisted that he wanted to see me but I didn't have cam at home, and I wasn't really sure if I wanted him to see me. What if he was saying all this sweet stuff, and the moment he sees me, he'd totally change? I didn't know why I was so concerned of what would happen after he gets to see me. After all, I shouldn't care, because I thought he wasn't serious. But I was concerned. I put it off for days, he was getting impatient and was always asking to see me, so one day, I decided to just go for it so he would stop asking me every single day. If he doesn't like me, then it shouldn't really matter.

I can't explain why I was so nervous, but I was. The moment I opened my cam, all those feelings went away. The first time he saw me, oh really, words are not enough to describe his smile on his face. His smile made me feel like, he really was into me, and that made me feel so much better. Maybe he was just glad that I'm no longer just a picture he was chatting with, but a real face he can finally talk to.

A few days after that, he put all my photos in his profile, and put labels on it like, my life, my baby, you know how it is. And all of these things really made me feel good about myself, and yes, I was starting to fall for a guy I met online.

I started talking to James again, at the same time, talking with Ibo. Mainly because I don't want to admit to myself that I am falling for a guy that I have never ever met face to face before. This isn't me at all. You could say that I was in denial, but that was my way of getting rid of what I was... "feeling." I guess he started noticing that I wasn't giving him all my attention like I did before.

So that was when he sent me his "psychopathic message."

That really turned me off. After getting to know him, I guess you can just imagine my disappointment when he said he wanted to "cut me up". The moment I realized what he said to me, I told him on a text message, that I never want to speak with him ever. I was a bit scared, but mostly just disappointed at the fact that the guy who tells me that he loves me, says he wants to kill me. After receiving my text message, he sent one back immediately.

"I'm really so sorry, I didn't mean it. It was just a joke, so I can get your attention. I just wanted to get your attention to talk to me only. " (of course, this isn't the exact way he sent me the text message, but it would sound really funny if I wrote it in broken English, right? :P)

After talking to some other Turkish friends, they told me, that it is normal (at least to some... actually to most of them) for them to talk like this in order to express jealousy. If a turkish guy is jealous, and show that he is "possessive" then it means that he is really into you. After knowing this "weird" (come on admit it, it's kinda weird really.) way of showing affection to someone you really like, I thought it would only be fair if I also put this into consideration.

A part of me wants to get rid of him. He is just another James after all. But a part of me also wanted to believe him. I didn't know why, (I didn't know a lot of things at that time, it was something that was all new to me.) but I really kinda believed him. He was right, I didn't give him the attention I used to, maybe he was in fact, just trying to get my attention. And plus, even if he wanted to "cut me up" how can he when we are miles apart?

Was I about to give him another chance?

Yes. I did. And this is where all the drama would begin.

Part 3- First Encounter

Ok, so due to recent developments ( I don't even know if I can call it "development", it's still all too confusing) about my story at the moment, I didn't have time to write the next part of my story because I'm really, hmmmm... just really confused. I wish this is something I can share right now, but it's really reallyyyyyyy hard for me to write about, I'm all emotional and stuff, and plus I don't want to spoil the story when it hasn't even really began yet. So let's just get back to where we left off, and continue from there.

Where was I?

(FYI: I'm really sooo confused and emotional right now, it's hard for me to even write this, so if there are some parts that I was supposed to write about, and missed out on it, I will probably write about it in the future. So please bare with me. )

Ok, so I've been talking and teaching some guys how to speak English. Of course, them being guys, flirtation will always be thrown around, but I didn't mind. Nothing serious can possibly come out of this anyway, so I flirted back, didn't really care. Some of them asked for my phone number, and I gave it to some of them, all in good fun.

James at this time, was still telling me that he still loves me. Since obviously he was playing me, I thought I would play his game as well. Whenever he told me he "loved" me.. (ewww... lol ) I said the same thing to him, if he told me he missed me, I would say the same thing too, and so on. But whenever he added new girls and tried to make me jealous, I added new boys with mine as well. I'm really not the jealous type, but since we're both playing games, I only did to him, what he was doing to me.

So, while he was talking to other girls, I was talking to other guys as well, just to show him I didn't care what he did. But then there was this one guy. He doesn't even know a word in English, but he always spoke to me anyways. And me, trying to teach people English, gave him the chance and spoke to him anyway. (Plus he was really cute, not like James but really really cute... :P)

While I was speaking with James, I was also speaking with this other guy as well. Sometimes I think I see this guy's face get irritated because I didn't give him all of my attention, but it was hard to, since we barely understand each other. From the first time we spoke, he introduced himself as İbo. He was 21 years old at that time, lived in Turkey, and had just recently finished his army service 5 months before we met, and was currently working at a restaurant.

We barely understood each other but... I don't know, I really liked speaking with him a lot. He used an English dictionary to speak with me, and I thought that was really sweet of him to show he really was making an effort to learn English to talk to me, while I was also using an online translation thingy to understand what he was saying. ( Basically he learned to speak English because of me. God I'm so helpful sometimes... lol.. :P)

He flirted with me, I flirted back, he called me things like aşkım, bebeğim, meleğim and whatever (my love, my baby, my angel... yeah I know, really flattering... :P) and I must admit, it all felt really good. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him, just like I did to some other guys. But he always texted me everyday and told me sweet things, despite his lack of knowledge with the English language. I was even suprised one time, that when I visited his profile in this social website, I saw my pictures on his page, and everytime I uploaded my pictures, he always made a comment on each picture, saying sweet romantic things. ( I think I still have those messages kept somewhere, and if I find it, I might show it.... "might".)

One of the most memorable things was the first time I opened my cam to him while I was on an internet cafe. I didn't have cam at home that time, so when we spoke, he was the only one opening his cam to me. The moment he first saw my face, he had this really big smile on his face. The biggest smile you could ever think of. Imagine a kid that had his first taste of ice cream or something. I can't explain it well, but I think you guys get what I mean. The moment I saw that smile, I totally fell for it, but at the same time, I was holding back. I didn't want to show him that I was starting to like him. After we had our conversation that day, he immediatley sent me a text message in Turkish. I told him I was sorry because I didn't understand anything, but he said in his broken English,

"You not sorry, bebeğim, because im see you, im very happy today :) understand me?"

Was this guy for real? In the back of my mind, I was like, starting to think that maybe, it was real, but I didn't even want to think about it. I always said to myself, online relationships really never work out, and I know most guys like to flirt a lot. He had other girls on his page as well, so even if he had my own pictures on his page, (i still thought it was sweet... :P) I was thinking that he could just be another James.

So there was this one time, that I was speaking with İbo and James at the same time, both cams opened. James and I were having a good laugh. Since it was easier speaking with him, I guess I paid more attention to James. Suddenly, this Turkish guy sent me a message.

"jayir delirtme beni aşkım keserim seni ben psikopatım sen bilmiyon mu"

My online translation wasn't working at the time, so I just let it go, but I still remember the phrase he used. So when I had the time to translate it, I was completely shocked and terrified.

"no, don't make me mad my love
I cut you,don't you know that I'm psychopath."

When I had realized what he had said to me, I immediately sent him a text message, telling him that I understood what he said, and I will NEVER EVER speak with him again. It was such a loss, because I really started to like him, but I thought to myself, I shouldn't be wasting my time with a guy who wants to "cut me up."

***I think this is by far is the longest post I have ever made. Since I haven't written for a long time, I guess this entry is for all those time I missed out writing. I probably skipped a lot of things while making this blog entry, so I guess that will be something I have to get back to. But I think I'll end this post here.

Well... at least for now.

Part 2- English lessons

So my "experiment" on practicing my social skills over the internet was working really good. Too good actually, that I made too many friends, I couldn't even keep track who I was speaking with at times. And yes, most of the "friends" I made were guys... :P

Tunisian, Italian, Indian, Turkish, you name it, there were loads of them. There were some who can't even speak good English, but because I was trying to be a good friend, I offered to help them with their conversational skills, and have them practice their English with me. (Keep in mind, I was also trying to practice being a "people-person".)

Ok, let's skip to the part about James.

James on the other hand, didn't need any help speaking English. He lived in UK, so trying to have conversation with him wasn't a problem at all. We hit it off really well. We talked a lot, we flirted a lot and everything was really good. Until I realized I wasn't the only one he was "flirting" with.

He is a very handsome guy (at least from his photos). I mean VERY HANDSOME, blue eyes, fit body and everything so I should've known that it's normal for him to flirt with as many girls he wanted. Despite that, we still kept having conversations, and he still kept flirting with me. And me, just being me, took it all light-heartedly. I guess some boys will always be boys, so I really didn't care whatever he said or did. I don't even believe in having an online relationship, because I knew that most of the time, it never really works out. So I thought to myself, I'll just take it as it is, and go with the flow.

You think I was broken-hearted?

Of course not! I have other problems to think about, and he will not be one. I wasn't looking for a relationship, so I just let him do whatever he did, and I did what I was doing all along. I always teased him about being a player anyway, and he kept denying it. (Take note that all players will always deny everything, and try not to get caught.) He insisted that he really loved me but I knew better. Anyway, while he flirted with all the girls he made friends with, including me, I kept making new friends to speak with, and was helping them with their English as well.

Anyway, that's not the important part.

You should've guessed by now that most of the friends I made were from Turkey. I looooooooooved speaking with them. I mean besides the fact that they were sweet and romantic, I did learn a lot about their culture and tradition. Things about how they treated women, and how their close family ties were very similar with my culture, that only made me want to speak with Turkish people more. It was a bit difficult communicating with some of them, because a lot of them barely know any English at all. But there was one in particular who was really very... interesting.

Oh just so you know, interesting is an understatement.